1000 days came and went. This was a milestone, because waay back in the days where I wasn't sure if I could last for an hour, I started looking at time as a reminder that I COULD do it and WOULD survive.
6 months was my first biggie. That's 26 weeks.
Then a year was sort of a blur.... I was being disappointed by some people I should've been able to lean on, and it overshadowed the grief.
Then a year and a half reminded me of how I felt the previous year, and I marked off another year of piecing life back together. (I had my new job by then)
2 years was surreal.
2.5 years was shocking and amazing that it'd seriously been that long.
Then I mentioned to my mom that 1000 days would be an interesting milestone to know. And she, bless her heart, sat down and figured it out. With leap years.
And when it rolled around (Jan 7, 2013) and she told me... I was shocked and amazed all over again. That I'm still here, that I've emerged into such a strong person, that I haven't stopped loving him and don't think I ever will. That here I am 1000 days later, viewing myself as still in love, still "taken", and still talk to him - regularly - and I've managed to piece together some sort of life for myself.
It's odd, it's unique, it's amazing. It's something I never thought this life would be, and while I wouldn't have chosen this for the world, I'm loving it. I'm loving that I'm making it, I'm remembering him, honoring him, and standing up for myself.
I'm loving that I'm drawing on everything I knew as a single woman for 28 years, and altho I'm a different person now, it's given me a starting point to regain my balance and forge a new identity. I love that I can sit here and honestly love my house and my life (again) in a way that I know many people in this world do not. I love that it's as much because of him as it is because of me, because I've never doubted that he loved me, that he died loving me, and he was planning to take care of me and share my life for as long as he possibly could.
And I love that 1000 days later, I can finally start separating some of the people who dishonored him, disrespected me, and no longer deserve my time or attention.
Regaining my backbone was a big part of my growth in 2012. And some things, we can appreciate only with time. One thing time's given me is my self-respect back and confidence in what we had. It's given me a perspective to realize the people who overshadowed my first year and a half of widowhood are few and self-centered, and do not reflect the world at large. It's made me unafraid to live my life again, as the wounds they gave me have healed enough that it'd be difficult to open them again.
Many of us have to deal with ugly people when our spouses pass - people determined to shame our relationship, discount our love, shove aside our promises. I'm here to tell you love trumps ugly. And 1000 days later, it's the love he and I shared that's my overwhelming memory - it's the life we were building together, the one we thought we'd share. And as much as I've lived 1000 days as a widow, easily half of that has been reclaiming what others tried to take from me.
And you learn that time will tell. Time will tell what you had together, who's around for the drama, who's around for the hurt, who's using you to get what they want, and who thinks they deserve more. You learn some people are more interested in what's left behind than who he was, what you're going to do next than who you're becoming, and what they can get out of you rather than what they can give you.
You learn who to trust, who not to, how ugly people can be, and how amazing people are. You learn more about yourself, your values, your strength, and where your patience ends than you ever thought possible. And you learn that as much as life changes, some things will always be the same.
Like how much he loves you, and you love him. Crawling under his grandmother's quilt and chatting before falling asleep, chilling on the couch on a winter afternoon with the remote and a bottle of wine. Discovering new foods, new places, revisiting favorite haunts and favorite teams. My fierce side that still comes out when someone tries to belittle him and make him into something he never wanted to be. The faith and loyalty that we had in each other, that we are worthy, we are loved, and we are awesome, just the way we are.
Those are the things that haven't changed, 1000 days later. The ugly people are gone, the awesome ones are still around, I have a new job, and I'm making do with a life we didn't think I'd have to live... because I still have everything that matters. That's what makes me strong. That's what makes me able to sit here and say, honestly say, I love my life and I am so, so blessed.
1000 days later.
