Reorganizing...

Reorganizing is always hard.  It's the same thing as redecorating.  Which is the same thing as admitting that the house-in-the-country didn't happen in 2011 because oh-that's-right-he-died.

And granted, I've been tackling huge projects lately.  My kitchen looks brand new (it's not).  My bedroom.  Bathroom.  Painted downstairs.  And now the "office."

And first of all, I can hear him in my head: "Are you sure that's where you want it?"  "How about this over there?"  "How does that make sense?"   And then, as I'm cleaning out shelves, I'm finding things.  Things I forgot I stashed.  That I now have to find a new home for and confront "Does this really mean something?"

Ironic that "reorganization" has been cited as one of the stages of grief - you have to reorganize your life without that person alive.  And reorganization simply reminds one that he's no longer here.

2013

If 2010 was the year my life ended, 2011 was just shit, and 2012 was the year I found my backbone... 2013 was the year I started finding my life again.  It was the year I was finally able to say "It's been more than a year since..."  It was the year that I started saying, "This is what I would've wanted to be doing if that hadn't happened."  It's the year I figured out I could still have SOME of the things I want, and that I still really really like who I am.

And it's the year I started seeing how much has changed.  The year after Nate died, I needed people around me for every.single.event.  Now?  I'd much rather be alone.  There was a time I wallowed in my grief, because it needed to felt and acknowledged.  Now, I nod at it, do my best to not let it overwhelm me, and try not to sound like a broken record when it does threaten to drag me under.  There was a time I felt like a paper bag, getting kicked around and beat to shreds.  Now it turns out that paper bag is actually made of indestructible steel, and if you kick me long enough, I'll just roll away from you. 

This is the year I accepted that some people have no place in my life, and stopped trying to keep them there.  It's the year I learned to say, "That hurts, so I'm not going to do it anymore."  It's the year I got some of my self-respect back and a new perspective on my own life in the process.

In short, I love my life.  I love who I am and what I do, for a living and for living.  I recognize that I have to take care of myself first and foremost, whatever that looks like, and those who truly care for me and want the best for me will respect how I choose to do that.  My past has made me who I am and not everyone will understand it.  The ones who get it are the ones who matter, and worth their weight in gold.

2013 has been a year of serious growth for me.  I feel much more myself now than I have since he died.  I love this feeling - I love feeling that I found myself, am finding myself, and shaking off some things that have no place in my life.  I just started thinking about things I might want to do some day - that's a huge step for me.  I have two things on that list right now, but it's two more than were on that list a year ago.

So here's to 2014.  May I continue to be AJ, listen to my own needs first and foremost, enjoy the world around me, and remember how to live life.