I've heard from 3 separate people in the past week or so that they "know good things are coming" for me. They're sure there's someone out there for me. They're sure I won't always be "alone."
They want to see me with someone again. They think that Another Person in my life will ease the pain of living alone.
They may be right. Companionship can be nice. But companionship is not simply having Another Person - another body - around. Another body gets in the way. Another body demands my time and attention. Another body means I can't just do what I want when I want.
And so, I pity these people - just a little - who think I need someone else in my life. They don't get that Another Body doesn't guarantee anything. They don't get how deep my loss is. They don't get that it can't be repaired.
And they don't get that I have a full life. I've experienced a love greater than some people get in their lifetimes. When we leapt, we knew it was a leap and it wasn't always easy. But the leap was worthwhile and always will be.
They don't get that as deep as my loss is, it's a precious loss because of what he meant and still means to me. They don't get that we're still in a relationship - we still talk, fight, and hang out together. I still have a relationship - as morbid as it may seem. It's not a relationship that needs to be replaced.
And I know people are well-meaning. I know they want to see me happy and that's what their happy looks like. I respect that they want to see me happy, and am humbled that they are so concerned for me.
But I know that my happy is sitting here in my jammies drinking too much coffee. I know that my happy doesn't revolve around having another body in my house. I know that my happy is taking off in my car with no schedule and no constraints. I know that my happy is standing alone, looking out over God's creation.
Maybe it's because I am an introvert by nature and I believe time alone in the woods is one of the best things a person can do for the soul. Maybe an extrovert needs to have Another Person to get the same feeling Another Person usually prevents from happening in me.
But I have rebuilt my life. And I have built it around only me - my house, my car, my deck, my schedule, my books, my trips. He's gone, people who proved themselves hurtful or disrespectful are gone, and the people who love me know how much solitude restores and energizes me.
My happy is already here.
