The Thanksgiving I Forgave Him

Because it only took 5 years, people.

And I’ve always said “I don’t have to forgive him, because I don’t blame him for dying.”

And I don’t.  Sure, he could’ve woken up that morning knowing he was supposed to be in St Anthony, not St Cloud, and avoided the whole thing.  He could’ve been… whatever… and not sideswiped a semi.  But God put that other car in his path, so God decided that it was his time to go.  And I do trust God, implicitly.

But there is the sticky.  The we-weren’t-married-so’s.  

I forgive him for not marrying me… because if he’d known, he would’ve.

I forgive him for not putting me on his life insurance… because if he’d known, we would’ve been married.

I forgive him for not knowing about the disaster I was walking into, because he tried to warn me.  I just didn’t realize how severe it was.

I forgive him for leaving me with the emotional and practical mess I was in, because I chose to take care of him, I chose to make him a priority in my life, and I had blind faith that I’d make it through, somehow.

And I thank God, for getting me through, through the strength He gave me since the day I was born, the generosity of my parents, and the love of my friends.

And I thank my Babe, for believing in me, for knowing I was strong enough to weather the storm, and trusting that I would always do my best to take of him, and continue to honor his memory.  He was a special one, no one can contradict that.  I’m honored to have been his last love.

Difficult Year

Maybe some years are just going to be tough.

I don't recall ever seeing it covered in a grief book, but I re-read the part on anniversaries and holidays today, which is accepted as common knowledge.  (In case you're unaware, anniversaries and holidays are generally harder grief times.)  It makes sense that major milestones make one think of it more, and the impact harder to absorb.

I'm in my Fifth Year.  Yes, it deserves capitalization.  Because I've survived or am surviving 5 of everything now - 5 birthdays without him, 5 anniversaries without him (my first was within a month of him passing), 5 Memorial Days & 5 Veteran's Days (bonus grief days that come with him being a military man).  I'm proud of everything I've done in the past 5 years - and wish he was here to celebrate with me.

Then again, maybe it's just that life's finally evened out.  I have a job I chose that pays 100% of my bills.  The daily stress of what-to-do is gone.  Maybe it's that life has settled that means I'm circling back to... and I'm doing it without him.

Regardless, 7 months in, I'm finally accepting that it is no one big thing, it's not a milestone birthday or falling away of old friends, it's just a tough year.  And like I learned in the days, weeks & months after he died, you have to let yourself feel what you feel when you feel it.  If that means you break down crying, then cry.  If that means you have to throw something, try to not make it something with special meaning.  If that means you're just going to be depressed, be depressed.  Because if there's one thing you learned in the past 5 years, it's that this, too, shall pass, and good days will come again.

And all years eventually end.