Holidays

Well it happened.

After a horrible birthday month, I finally skipped a year.  That pulled me out of that one.  Then I was sick for most of a month, just focused on living.  And November was good.  I was hesitant going into the holidays - which start for me on Veteran's Day - but it was good.  I did good.  I had busy-at-work to distract me, I had a couple good friend dates to pull me out of myself, and the little sister informed me they'd be in town for TDay whether or not I was cooking.  It's been good.

Last night is when I finally crashed.

There's a beauty about being 5 years into this now that has given me some experience so I have a better idea of what to expect.  (Half the issues of my birthday month stemmed from the fact that I've never had that serious an issue with it previously.)  I thought I'd crash sometime before Christmas, and that I lasted til December 15 is pretty remarkable.

And when I felt it coming, it wasn't scary or confusing - I knew just to ride it.  Let it come, don't fight it.

And it's here.  It's not vicious today, just there.  Like the dull ache of a missing limb that you live without, but still manages to hurt more on some days.

So I'm curling up with wine, books, and music.  I'm seeing 2 good friends this week, then it's work until Christmas Day and a whirlwind weekend, followed by college bowl games into January.

It's nice knowing what works.  It's nice not thinking that I'm crazy.  It's nice loving him this much, that he's still my everything, even as my life has changed so much. It's nice that the year gives us time to reflect on what we've loved,
lost, and was so blessed to have had.

It's the deeper side of Christmas, that it reminds us so of what we no longer have.  It gets smothered under all the good cheer and parties, but it's still there.  It gives a deeper, more intense meaning to this time of year when we celebrate love, peace and hope.

What could possibly be more Christmas than that?