Found this is my phone notes, from 4/10/2019:

They ask what the worst part is.  It’s that it steals all your happy moments.  Your memories are only memories and that great tradition you were trying to start will never happen.  The awesome weekend you had the week before he died is the last ever. They’re great memories, but it takes a while to be able to touch them without the pain of knowing never again.

It steals your happy moments.  Because he’s not here to share and celebrate with you.  Your birthday sucks, because he never gets you a present, much less a card, and definitely isn’t sending a surprise to your work.  There’s no chance to even be mad at him for screwing up cuz, um he’s dead.

They ask if it gets easier.  Well no but yes.  It never goes away.  It always hurts.  What gets better is you learn how to handle your grief.  You learn what’s coming, what to expect, and what coping strategies to throw at the storm.  It’s like learning how to walk without a leg - you’re always missing the leg, but you learn to adapt.