It's normal to get introspective on your birthday.  At least, it is in my opinion.  And I just had a wonderful week with a very good friend who not only understands my life situation, but possesses that invaluable skill in a friend - the ability to make you feel more like YOU.

And since she was here, I did more than I would've otherwise - the fair, the bar, my fav sushi - and overall, I've decided it was good.  It's far to easy for me to slip into extreme reflection - as good as that is for the soul - that it was good instead to be able to say "Here's what we're doing today."  And today, I have my day free for football.  And reflection.  (I wouldn't be me without it.)

I don't have a whole lot this year.  Part of it is I have lived this life long enough now that so much of the initial drama has calmed down.  The other part is I'm finally done with things that don't make sense for me.  I felt no need to have a big blow-out and invite everyone I know to celebrate me.  I had little things that people showed up for if they cared to share.  If they didn't... it's a new thing for me this year to let that go.

And that's my major development for this year - almost 2.5 years into living widowed, I've finally hit the point where I'm done trying to accommodate others and instead, do just what pleases me.

We say we shouldn't interfere in others' grief because we all grieve differently and we need to respect each others' processes.  This year has become the year of respecting my life, because we all have to live differently.  My life is odd to so many, but it is what it is, and I love that I honor him, cherish him, and miss him so much more on special days.  My life wouldn't be what it is without him.  There's something that feels so indescribably right about acknowledging that.

Instead of many little things or check marks on the year, I instead have this:  It's time for me to live my life.  It's time to stop thinking about what I should be doing, how it looks, or who should be around.  It's time to start being me, and recognize that the people who are special enough to want to know me will always be around.