On Ordination and Marriage

Part I

So last night I became an ordained minister.

Yup.

It’s just as easy as you hear.  You go online (theamm.org), enter your legal name, accept their terms of service, which include that you agree with their 3 tenets, and they issue you a certificate and letter of good standing.  They are a legal non-profit operating out of Washington, and thus can ordain according to their own beliefs and such an ordination is legal.

And thus I, the woman who never got legally married, is legally able to solemnize the union of anyone I choose.

Due partly to my upbringing in a Conservative Christian Church and partly to who I am as a person of integrity and spirituality, I’ve never taken religion or faith lightly.  This is part of why I was so offended when the CCC minister told me I was going to hell if I resigned as a church member.  From a church who told me I could never be a pastor simply because I was a woman, a church who doesn’t welcome anyone to the Lord’s Supper unless they have proof they are also a member of that same synod, and a church who told my younger sister she was going to hell for being in a bisexual relationship.

Because I was taught as a child to have a personal relationship with God.  I was taught Jesus loved us all.  I was taught if we repent our sins and accept Jesus as our Savior, we are a part of His family and someday will join Him in heaven.  How the church that taught me all this personal salvation and love is the same one as the church who decreed everyone who doesn’t agree with them is going to hell, I don’t know.  I can’t explain that.  But I’m thrilled that when I had my crisis of faith, I retained my belief in God and went back to what I was taught as a child – God exists, He loves us, He sent Jesus to earth so we may be saved, learn how to live, and love.  That’s what I’ve believed and attempted to live by for most of my life now.  That God is love, and while churches may be the worldly representation of God, they can be wrong as often as they are right.

And because I do take my faith seriously, when I went to see if I could get ordained last night, I read all the tenets.  I read all the terms of agreement – ALL of them.  These are the 3 main tenets:

1. All people, regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation, have the right to marry.
2. It is the right of every couple to choose who will solemnize their marriage.
3. All people have the right to solemnize marriage.

And I found nothing I disagreed with, so I clicked through.  And thus, I became an ordained minister.

I’ll be marrying my baby sister at the end of July.  I’m more than a little awestruck.

Part II

I’ve always been the girl who didn’t believe in marriage, but really it’s more complicated than that.

I believe in marriage too much.

I believe that marriage is between two people, is a permanent commitment not to be taken lightly, and can be the greatest blessing in the human experience.

I hate that people treat marriage casually, as one thing to check off on their checklist of life, as an achievement.  I hate that the wedding day attracts so much attention that the party often overshadows the commitment.  I hate that we heap so much money and attention on what should be the most solemn moment of a person’s life.

I hate that a marriage isn’t “real” until it’s legally recognized by the government.  I firmly believe a marriage is between two people – and their deity of choice, should they choose.  I do not believe the government gets a say in what is a real union and what is not.  I hate that legal marriages get benefits that real-but-not-legally-recognized unions don’t.  It’s a huge piece of who I am that I hate other people trying to tell me how to live my life; my reaction to the government telling me what I have to do to be legally married is knee-jerk reaction to that.

I love the concept of marriage.  That two people agree to spend the rest of their lives together, loving and supporting each other regardless of what hardballs life throws their way.  I love the idea that there’s one person who’s going to be by your side no matter what.

I hate that some people walk away when the going gets hard.  I hate that some people don’t think it through before they make the commitment, only to realize later that they made a mistake and walk away then, often destroying the partner who did think it through and wanted that commitment.  I hate that some people seem simply unable to keep their vows, and hugely respect those who stay together and figure it out.

I do believe that marriage is a solemn commitment.  I believe it takes effect the moment those two people agree to spend the rest of their lives together.  I remember that moment on our deck, when we both said this was it.  We paused a moment, then I said, “Babe, did we just get married?”  He looked into the dark for a moment, then back at me, “Yeah, I think so.”  And that was it.  Just us and the universe.

I get that a wedding is a celebration.  I get that some people are so thrilled to be committing their lives that they WANT to share that moment with everyone they know.  The day you make that commitment SHOULD be the most important day of your life.  Unfortunately, it often comes off more as a “I’ve achieved this checkmark in my life!” than “I’m thrilled I’m committed to this person forever!”

Never should a party overshadow the commitment that is taking place, never should you forget that you are committing your life to this person and your life is no longer solely yours to do with as you choose.  As marriage is a union, your life is now subject to another person’s wants and desires as much theirs is to yours, and compromise and a true love – that of putting another person’s happiness above your own – is your new way of life.  And if you’re not ready for that, you’re not ready for your marriage.

It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage.  It’s that I believe too much.