New Happy

They say our lives are trying to get back to the one place in life where we were happiest.

I know I've reverted to this several times.  First, finding what was my happy (which largely involved getting rid of everything that was not until I was left with... "Oh, this is perfect").  Then, almost a decade later, after years of trying to do the adult thing, came sitting down and saying "But that was perfect... and I can do most of it again."  As life evolved and added things I hadn't had when I was younger, my happy got better.  Then it all ended, and I spent a year grasping at anything to keep it, a year being mad, a year finding my badassery (that's a word), then going back to what I could count on.

But there are new things in my life I couldn't have when I was younger - or variations I couldn't have when I was younger.  I'm wiser, I've learned, I've discovered little things that should make me happy don't and I no longer apologize if what my happy is isn't what consensus declares it should be.

And it occurs to me today, I'm no longer trying to get back to an old happy, but tentatively exploring a new one.  Some things are the same, some are different.  Some have come back into my life after a long absence, something things are slowly fading out.

It's a good feeling, after living several different lives, to realize my new happy is yet to come.  To be able to feel it developing... well this is just fun.

My Someday Life

They say don't wait for the life you want to live, start living it now.  Even if just in small ways.

Someday, I want to have my own little house (if I go country) or condo (if I stay city) where I have easy mornings, read books in the sunshine, then maybe go to the bar for dinner/evening time.  The bar is not a place of drinking for me, but a place of fellowship, conversation, and sports on TV.  I'm okay working at the bar, if I'm still able.  It's more being in the environment that I want.

This week I have 3 days of easy mornings, reading a bit, then going to work.  I work in a bar.  This looks shockingly like the life I always wanted.

I may be working more hours than I wish, and more days.  There's both a 7am shift and a mid shift in my schedule this week as well.  I may currently have more responsibilities at work than I'd choose.  I need the security and benefits that come with taking on those responsibities. But overall, if you line up the current life with the someday life.... damn.  It almost looks like I know what I'm doing.

The Next 64 Years

And September was rough.

I honestly have no idea.  It was my FIFTH birthday without him.  The fifth.  Isn't this supposed to be getting easier?  Or more "normal"?  Or something???

But one thing I'm learning is that it really doesn't get easier, and  you don't go back to your old life.

In the past year, I've made some huge strides towards getting "my" life back - that is a life that does not revolve around him, the fact that he died, trying to keep his memory alive, or trying to achieve the life we wanted together.

And the automatic inclination is to go back to when you were happiest, do what you did then.... but then it just reminds you that he's dead.  And that's sooo not fair.

So I'm working on myself.  I'm working on pulling together a life - an identity - for myself that is ME, and THIS me.  Not the girl who grew up in a fishbowl, who struck out on a career no one thought was plausible, and threw it all over to take care of one man.  This girl knows a job isn't important as long as it pays the bills, blends easily into a big city, enjoys doing things by herself, and has survived a great loss.  This girl takes care of herself, does what is right for herself, and doesn't give critics free space in her head.

Put that way, I kind of feel like a badass.

Which I supposed I am.  Which is what makes it hard when the grief comes out of nowhere - I forget that that's okay.  I forget it's to be expected that sometimes I just need a moment by myself, to process, to grieve.  I try to push myself into this new life, and forget that grief is as much a part of my life now as he was when he was alive.

Maybe it's just acknowledgement.  Maybe it's just saying, "this is a part of my life" that allows it to be, rather than control.  Maybe it's just not forcing anything and learning when to say, "Sorry, that hurts more than I want to, so I'm going to skip it." 


I turned 35 a few weeks back.  For some reason, I was having a problem with 35.  36, I'm ready for, but 35 was giving me a mental block.

Then I hit on something.  If I live to be 100 (which I've been saying for years, then started kicking myself for it once he died and I realized how long I had to live without him), I only have 65 more years to go.  Actually 64 and 3 weeks, now.  That made it easier, knowing that this isn't going to last forever, that someday I will die, that I will see him again.  And the next 64 years doesn't have to look anything like the first 35 - CAN'T look anything like the first 30.  And it's up to me to say what the next 64 years looks like.

If I want to avoid that which hurts me, it's my right.  If I want to take off on my own for weeks at a time, that's my choice.  If I want to choose who gets into my life, it's my decision.

Crazy thought that finally made it easier, but it does.

And, it's making me enjoy this fall more - I only have 64 more to enjoy!