Yesterday got rough. This morning was me rolling over to see Leo curled up on the pillow next to me.  I did not feel like moving.  A few hours later I called Mom and said, “This is it, this the year I’m not going to be there”.  Family Christmas in Iowa was today.  Ok.

Me and Leo dragged a pillow to the couch and I climbed under the quilts.  We dozed, him more than me.  A few hours later I went to check on the neighbor’s car and he was still there when I got back.

I successfully showered, put on a different pair of pj pants, and switched couches.  Leo’s right here with me.

Some days I think it’s healthiest to simply live like Leo.  As I’ve bawled then dozed off and on all day, today’s that day.

And the family?  I think they’ve been expecting it.

Blessed

Because the half crescent moon still shines on my backyard.  I am so blessed.

Thank you for allowing me to continue this life.  

Thank you for reminding me of what was our peace.  

Thank you for reminding me there are so many stars in this universe, more so than I can count.  More so than I ever saw from my home before.

Thank you for the waves lapping in the shore.

The lights around the bay.

The darkness that makes my eyes adjust to see the light.

You're right.  This is good.

Please, God, continue to bless me.

Doing nothing

I moved.  4 months after deciding I needed a new house, 3 months after I first looked at a tiny cabin with bay views.

I am out... I loved my townhome & the deck, but not the lack of windows, the basement I never used.  That I could remember him in all those spaces and he'd never be there again, that we weren't supposed to be living there anymore.  So I moved.

I got a tiny house in the country and yet only 17 miles west of downtown.  I got a yard I have to mow sometime, a roof I need to clear of branches and replace, the worlds cutest front door and peeling siding & paint on the back.  I have a 200-year-old willow tree, that's already been half cut off.

And I have a mess.  Not the mess of initial moving - there's 2 boxes left in the kitchen and all the books are on shelves.  It's livable, but not perfect.

And it can wait.  Because perfection is overrated and every day off for 2 months now I've been cleaning out a house, packing and unpacking.  And this is my 6-month vacation, when I couldn't go anywhere and I said I need vacation anyways.  So today, I do nothing.

I had coffee on my patio, and read the news in my library.... in a sunny armchair.  I'm listening to birds, the wind in the trees, and water.  I'm debating which of the DVDs I discovered I own I'm going to watch.  

And I'm counting my blessings.  For my tiny house that's still intact, a job that allows me days off, and the beauty of the world.  It's a good life.

Doing nothing.

Strong

Why should I have to be strong?  What is so fundamentally wrong with us that we think people need to bebstrongn rather than people need to be shown compassion?

We always talk about pulling ourselves up by the bootstrap.  What if, instead, we pulled each other up with a helping hand?

Why must it always be "you got this" rather than "we can do this?"

Live this life

Because you're already gone

When I get home at the end of the day

You're already gone

When I need a hug and "baby it'll be ok"

You're already gone

When I look around and wonder what happened to the life I had we had we we were supposed to have

You're already gone

I gotta be ok be ok be ok

Cuz I'm all that I got left

When you left

It wasn't your choice and I get that they get that yes

But it wasn't mine

Either

And I held on held on held on oh I tried to hang on

But I couldn't 

Cuz she wants he want I got bills to pay

And somehow, someway, no one came back for those shoes by my front door

And somehow some way I found the way

House got paid car got bought was whooooa I got a new job

Because you're already gone

And I waited

I waited

I did my best and I tried my hardest and it just didn't work baby

But I tried

I tried

I tried for seven years 

And I got a calendar that hadn't been turned since

And it's time

It's time

It's time for me

To say you're not coming back

And I know

I know

People think this should've happened years ago

But I believe in you and I believe in our love

So it's just so hard

Just so hard 

To think you're not coming back

Cuz I believed you 

And then I didn't want to

And now I got to

You're not coming back

So it's my turn

It's my time

It's time to say

This is my life

This is what I wanted

This is what I'm doing anyways

This is my life 

This is what I want

What we were supposed to have

So I'm gonna make that happen

And I don't care don't care don't care 

Whatever they want to say

I was supposed to have everything 

Then I didn't 

So I'm gonna do it do it do it

I'm gonna live this life

Live our life

I'm gonna live this life 

Live this life

2016

And 2016 was the year I quit trying.

I recognized nothing was working for me, and I quit trying.

I quit caring if I looked good, what my hair or my face was doing.  I attracted attention anyways.

I quit banging my head against the wall trying to bend a couple situations to MY will, professionally.  I walked away from one of the funnest jobs I'll ever have because I couldn't change a couple things I decided I couldn't live with.  I quit being so involved that I had to know everything that was happening and I had to be the one to fix every problem.

I learned how to walk away... and found some energy.

Which I promptly poured into opening a new restaurant, only to discover very early on that was still too much involvement on me.  I quit.  I quit being that girl, the one who had to control everything, and became the girl who only wanted to show up for a paycheck.

So I quit that job.  And took 10 days from life off work, during which my body started to recover from the stress I'd put it thru.

I quit caring.  I quit asking what they would say and said I'm paying my bills, and on only one job.  I'm paying my bills, and there's a little in the bank.  It's a job.  I never wanted a job that was a lifestyle.

Remember?  I never wanted a career.  I wanted a life.  With my guy yes, but in a quiet, peaceful place where I could drink my coffee in the sun.  I wanted a life where I worked as little as I needed or as much as I wanted.  I wanted a job that let me meet people, and allowed the time to see the people I already knew.

And so I quit.  Retired, if you will.  I still have a job.... I've always assumed I would til I was in my 70s, 80s if I'm able.  But it's not a career.  I clock in, clock out, and thru quitting, have learned to laugh at all the little dramas.

I quit not having time for people.  Yes, new job is kinder on the schedule, but I also started scheduling lunches rather than waiting for happy hours, answering the phone rather then letting it go to a voicemail I'll struggle to return.  Thru the glories of technology, I stay in touch with my friends in other states.

And I quit caring.  This is my life.  If all I want to do is sit at a sunny table, read the news, and eat good food, that, my friends, is exactly what I intend to do.