“Moving on”

Widows often hear “but are you moving on*?” meaning “but you’re not dating? I can stop worrying about you if you’re dating**.”  I may have found my answer last night. 

Off the cuff: “oh God yes!” *see confused face* “Oh my life never did revolve around a relationship.  That’s just not who I am.”

My moving forward was getting a job.  It was taking over complete responsibility for my bills.  It was moving to a house I wanted to live in.  That’s it, those were my big, concrete things in adjusting to widow life.  More to the point, moving forward is about learning to cook for one, plan for a future for one, and learn to enjoy things you used to do with him.  It’s about adjusting traditions and dreams that used to include him to just you. 

For some people, dating again IS a part of moving forward.  Some people meet someone organically that they fall in love with and remarry; some people genuinely enjoy dating and pursuing a relationship, so it fits for them.  The key is it fits their new life - they’re not looking to replace who or what was lost.

I met Nate organically, it evolved organically.  Neither one of us was looking for a relationship - much less marriage.  We simply met, and meshed.  I have looked at dating apps, and they simply hold no interest for me.  For a lot - A LOT - of people, they do fit.  That’s just not me.

About a year ago, I responded to the same question with “the problem with moving forward, is it doesn’t look like you think it does.  It doesn’t involve forgetting that he ever lived.”  I’d add to that, and it looks different for everyone.  There’s no one way to live life, thus for widows, there’s no one way to live life.

*we don’t “move on.” That implies we leave something in the past.  Our love for our spouse doesn’t die with them, and our grief does stick forever.  We “move forward” in life again. 

**no new relationship, no matter how spectacular, will ever replace what we lost.  A person is not a couch; you cannot simply go get a new one and have it replace what was lost.  You will always miss that particular person.  Thus, whether or not we are dating tells you nothing about how much you should worry about us.  The state of our home and fridge tells you much, much more.