Values

A little more than a year ago, I got a new professional designation and settled into a 40 hour a week, weekends & holidays off, long term job.  

For the first time, I have portions of daily & weekly life cut out to simply be.  Me.

The first thing I did was quit drinking for a month.  That was educational.  Because staying off alcohol wasn’t the hard part - confronting the feelings alcohol had been hiding was. 

My sad was sadder than what I thought. My tolerance for people was significantly lower than what thought.  My joy in sitting in silence, thinking, was far greater than what I knew. 

That kicked off some long term (and constantly evolving) thinking on what makes my life.  Is it bar nights with friends?  Scheduled time with family? Twins games, Vikings games, and pretty vacations? 

All these things, that I’d counted on to add joy to my life for 10 years, felt vacant.

I realize I woke up feeling more exhausted, not less.  I carried stress going in, through, and needed a reward for getting through each event.  The stress of getting there was outweighing the joy of being there.

So I dialed it back.  Daily life joys became slow mornings that appeared when I didn’t wake up with a hangover.  Bar nights became chill nights on the couch and an early bedtime.  My body relaxed.

I focused on what added value to life - and what those values are.  I came up with a list of how I would choose to spend my days (meditating, eating, reading, unwinding) and what my values are (respect (including for myself), kindness (including for myself), wellness) and what pursing those things look like (peace, solitude, lake, home).

After a while of looking at those lists, I made it even simpler: eat, meditate, sleep.

I don’t find joy in others.  I’ve been let down too much in my life to expect others are going to carry me through.  I’ve been left on my own to fight my own battles.  The handful of people who answer when I call are now the only ones I check in with. It was painful process to realize that.

I got so much headspace back. 

Simply* by dialing into what my values are.

*over a span of more than a year, and will require constant examination to maintain or evolve