Crazy, because everyone seems to say “you’re so brave!” “You’re so independent!!” “You know what you want and you go get it!!”
Well no. I’ve always known what I didn’t want.
I didn’t want a restrictive religious and cultural life. Ok, so bye bye childhood expectations. Guess that is a biggie.
And I did do what I wanted for years - I worked in restaurants for 20 years, minus one.
But 5 years & 3 jobs into management is when I met him then lost him. So nothing’s been stable.
It became “earn enough to cover the bills.” Then, “have a job we like and earn enough to pay the bills?” Then, “they’re not going to pay me what I’m worth here if I refuse a promotion, soo…. New job!” And thus began 3 jobs in 2 years, culminating in retiring from the industry.
Which got me to new industry, Covid, uncertain job future, new bosses but still uncertain job future, new company but not the job I thought I was taking, and…. Here.
‘Here’ has been been here for almost a year. Is it a wonder I’m just settling in?
In my life, I’ve had calm a few times. Junior year of college, half of 2005, most of 2014-15, half of 2019.
Is it any wonder I want calm now? I crave calm, to hear my thoughts, hear what I want to do, get entrenched enough in my being that I can confidently say, “Thanks I’ll pass” and not stress the consequences.
I keep saying I want nothing for 6 months. No obligations, and slim on the people. Just to feel the rhythm of life, and maybe find where mine is.
And I get that that’s a privilege and yes, most of the world is stuck in survival mode - work to eat to work.
But as much as I’ve had a glimmer of a deeper life, I realize none of those wise ones got that way in survival mode. They had time to think.
Thinking is a luxury. We should recognize that. But I think it’s the luxury I most want.
