Thinking

This is the first time I’ve had time alone to figure what I want my life to be.  

Crazy, because everyone seems to say “you’re so brave!” “You’re so independent!!”  “You know what you want and you go get it!!”

Well no.  I’ve always known what I didn’t want.

I didn’t want a restrictive religious and cultural life.  Ok, so bye bye childhood expectations.  Guess that is a biggie.

And I did do what I wanted for years - I worked in restaurants for 20 years, minus one.  

But 5 years & 3 jobs into management is when I met him then lost him.  So nothing’s been stable.

It became “earn enough to cover the bills.”  Then, “have a job we like and earn enough to pay the bills?”  Then, “they’re not going to pay me what I’m worth here if I refuse a promotion, soo…. New job!”  And thus began 3 jobs in 2 years, culminating in retiring from the industry.

Which got me to new industry, Covid, uncertain job future, new bosses but still uncertain job future, new company but not the job I thought I was taking, and…. Here.  

‘Here’ has been been here for almost a year.  Is it a wonder I’m just settling in?

In my life, I’ve had calm a few times.  Junior year of college, half of 2005, most of 2014-15, half of 2019. 

Is it any wonder I want calm now?  I crave calm, to hear my thoughts, hear what I want to do, get entrenched enough in my being that I can confidently say, “Thanks I’ll pass” and not stress the consequences.  

I keep saying I want nothing for 6 months.  No obligations, and slim on the people.  Just to feel the rhythm of life, and maybe find where mine is.

And I get that that’s a privilege and yes, most of the world is stuck in survival mode - work to eat to work. 

But as much as I’ve had a glimmer of a deeper life, I realize none of those wise ones got that way in survival mode.  They had time to think.

Thinking is a luxury.  We should recognize that.  But I think it’s the luxury I most want.