One of my favorite memories will always be of this massive roadtrip we took. His brother was getting married 3 states away, and I'd never seen that part of the country so we took a week and a half and drove. It was marvelous. People would say "And you're still together?" but the same thing that brought us together in the first place surfaced in the car - we liked to just be together and appreciate life.
So you can understand that roadtripping without him is monumental. MONUMENTAL. Driving to my parents' house 3 hours away was difficult. Leaving my house - at all - was difficult. So being away from my house and driving about 1400 miles is, for me, a huge milestone.
And I loved it. I loved every second of it. Something I learned from my earlier (smaller) trips this fall is I'm doing really well with driving by myself. I chill out, I talk to him, I go into my head, I zone. Somehow, even tho I used to hit my limit of driving around 3 hrs, I can go all day behind the wheel of a car now (I credit him).
This definitely goes into my new life: doing the things I want to do, things that used to make me happy, used to enjoy - alone. It's huge that I can enjoy these things at all without being overwhelmed by grief. It's awesome that instead I'm walking away with a feeling of accomplishment, of ability. I'm centered. I feel like I know myself better and that I'm living the life I've chosen rather than the one that's been pushed on me. I'm feeling more like myself.
It's an awesome, awesome feeling.
It's not that he's not with me - because he always is - but it's that I'm no longer trapped by what I've survived.
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