Values

A little more than a year ago, I got a new professional designation and settled into a 40 hour a week, weekends & holidays off, long term job.  

For the first time, I have portions of daily & weekly life cut out to simply be.  Me.

The first thing I did was quit drinking for a month.  That was educational.  Because staying off alcohol wasn’t the hard part - confronting the feelings alcohol had been hiding was. 

My sad was sadder than what I thought. My tolerance for people was significantly lower than what thought.  My joy in sitting in silence, thinking, was far greater than what I knew. 

That kicked off some long term (and constantly evolving) thinking on what makes my life.  Is it bar nights with friends?  Scheduled time with family? Twins games, Vikings games, and pretty vacations? 

All these things, that I’d counted on to add joy to my life for 10 years, felt vacant.

I realize I woke up feeling more exhausted, not less.  I carried stress going in, through, and needed a reward for getting through each event.  The stress of getting there was outweighing the joy of being there.

So I dialed it back.  Daily life joys became slow mornings that appeared when I didn’t wake up with a hangover.  Bar nights became chill nights on the couch and an early bedtime.  My body relaxed.

I focused on what added value to life - and what those values are.  I came up with a list of how I would choose to spend my days (meditating, eating, reading, unwinding) and what my values are (respect (including for myself), kindness (including for myself), wellness) and what pursing those things look like (peace, solitude, lake, home).

After a while of looking at those lists, I made it even simpler: eat, meditate, sleep.

I don’t find joy in others.  I’ve been let down too much in my life to expect others are going to carry me through.  I’ve been left on my own to fight my own battles.  The handful of people who answer when I call are now the only ones I check in with. It was painful process to realize that.

I got so much headspace back. 

Simply* by dialing into what my values are.

*over a span of more than a year, and will require constant examination to maintain or evolve 

I like my life

November 19, 2019

I kind of like my life.

I like my peace, my time.

I like that I have no one nagging me, that I’m answerable to no one.

I like my life, I love that I can do what I want when I want.

I love that I live on a lake, in the country.  It’s peaceful.  So peaceful.  And I can be downtown in 20 minutes.

I love that I’m engaged in life.  I didn’t tune out.  I want to know what’s going on and I keep myself informed. I get curious and find an answer.

I can take care of myself.  That, in itself, is a huge blessing.  I keep myself sane, and that allows me to work for a living and cover my bills.  Which in turn grants me the freedom I love, so really so much if it comes down to that resiliency.

Sobriety

May 21, 2019

I sat with myself.  I sat with my reasons and stripped it down.

I drank for boredom, for stress, to relax, to have fun, to fit in.

It gave me a buffer on reality.

Turns out, my sad is sadder than I thought.

My sober mornings are more glorious than I thought.

My blinders were stronger than I knew and removing them showed me some sadness and disappointment I’d rather not see.

My blinders had me focusing on positivity so much I forgot to acknowledge the disappointments and the let downs

I forgot disappointment is a part of life, too, and it’s ok to feel that way.

The caveat, I doubt I could’ve handled the reality of disappointment, there was so much else I had to sort and figure out first.  This is simply the next stage of my being: people let you down, and that’s ok.

Being fully present in life is better than consistently being half dulled.

Allowing the complexities of human beings allows their full existence.

Solitude

Thoughts from a year ago:

Solitude: Apr 14, 2019

What would you want to do with all your time? 

Sit, read, meditate, look at the lake, not do yardwork or housework.  Go for walks and yoga.

You can say I’m a very low energy person, but my energy matches nature.  It matches the ebb and flow of the season, the growth and the dormancy.  I relish that.

I relish looking at nature and feeling connected and knowing there’s a greater reason, purpose, and connection to it all.  I appreciate being able to feel that connection - not everyone can.  A slow life and a reflective life allows me to feel that so deeply and that’s what erp gives meaning to my life.

Crazy.... it’s not the kids, the subs, the friends, they’re all fine and dandy and they do liven it up a bit, but really when I want my soul to be a peace and reassurance that none of it’s a waste, it all means something, and it’s going somewhere, I go to nature.  And I go alone

I go to Waldon Pond.  I sat on Waldon Pond (with “On Waldon Pond”!) and reflected.  That may be what I feel the most of on my lake.  The same lake that’s fed people body and mind for millennia feeds me.  I’m blessed to be able to live here, I blessed to have the finances to live the life I want to live, so I need to live the life that matters most to me.

Sober, reflective, meditative, worthy, trusting that my path is my way.

People are good entertainment, but so few actually add value.  It’s far better to live a life that rings true to the heart.

10 years

Hard to believe it’s been 10 years.  (And I’m still standing.)

10 years ago I was barely hanging on. 

9 years ago I was pushing myself to another job, so I could go back to fully supporting myself.

8 years ago I plugged into what would become one of my greatest joys.

7 years ago I transitioned back to full service restaurants, a space that felt familiar and let me be me.... while figuring out where the other pieces of me fit in this new life.

4 years ago I starting searching a for new piece of myself.

3 years ago I plopped myself into my forever home - my cabin on a lake. 

2 years ago I said good riddance to a 20-year career and found the peace I had been missing. 

Last year I solidified licensing in my new field and could lean into discovering myself again.  Or anew.  

This is not a life I wanted.  This is not a life I envisioned.  But it’s a good life.  It gives me space.  It lets me be me.  It makes few demands and surrounds me in gloriousness.  It gives me peace. 

That’s a lot of stuff I didn’t have 10 years ago.  

“Moving on”

Widows often hear “but are you moving on*?” meaning “but you’re not dating? I can stop worrying about you if you’re dating**.”  I may have found my answer last night. 

Off the cuff: “oh God yes!” *see confused face* “Oh my life never did revolve around a relationship.  That’s just not who I am.”

My moving forward was getting a job.  It was taking over complete responsibility for my bills.  It was moving to a house I wanted to live in.  That’s it, those were my big, concrete things in adjusting to widow life.  More to the point, moving forward is about learning to cook for one, plan for a future for one, and learn to enjoy things you used to do with him.  It’s about adjusting traditions and dreams that used to include him to just you. 

For some people, dating again IS a part of moving forward.  Some people meet someone organically that they fall in love with and remarry; some people genuinely enjoy dating and pursuing a relationship, so it fits for them.  The key is it fits their new life - they’re not looking to replace who or what was lost.

I met Nate organically, it evolved organically.  Neither one of us was looking for a relationship - much less marriage.  We simply met, and meshed.  I have looked at dating apps, and they simply hold no interest for me.  For a lot - A LOT - of people, they do fit.  That’s just not me.

About a year ago, I responded to the same question with “the problem with moving forward, is it doesn’t look like you think it does.  It doesn’t involve forgetting that he ever lived.”  I’d add to that, and it looks different for everyone.  There’s no one way to live life, thus for widows, there’s no one way to live life.

*we don’t “move on.” That implies we leave something in the past.  Our love for our spouse doesn’t die with them, and our grief does stick forever.  We “move forward” in life again. 

**no new relationship, no matter how spectacular, will ever replace what we lost.  A person is not a couch; you cannot simply go get a new one and have it replace what was lost.  You will always miss that particular person.  Thus, whether or not we are dating tells you nothing about how much you should worry about us.  The state of our home and fridge tells you much, much more.

I’ll just tell you, it sucks.

It sucks, not getting everything you ever dreamt of.

It sucks, not doing what you planned to today.

It sucks, stopping your wedding planning.

It sucks, trying to unravel bills instead.

It sucks, trying to rebuild a life.

It sucks, building a new identify, that might still include a piece of him.

It sucks, letting even that life go.

It sucks, making your own life.

All I can say is, it sucks.   Every part.  But somehow, bit by bit and piece by piece, and then you’re on your seconds already (the second Christmas, second anniversary, etc) and life goes on.

It doesn’t get easier.  It gets different.  You know what worked last year, so you try it again.  So then, it doesn’t get easier, but because you know what to expect, it does get different.

It gets different.